Your stars are my stars

(for Julie Rambo)

When you told me you were leaving
for some place named
"Skokie"
which sorta turned out to be
"Des Plaines"
(but they both mean you are
two and one half hours
away
from me)
I smiled and said

"Congratulations!"

But on the inside
I felt&heard a small
     *ping*
the slow tick tick ticking out of pain
the delicate clockwork of me
broken,
a grating agony
a blurred whir of abandonment

I bled internally for hours
as we celebrated your departure.

But late that night
I slipped into my bathroom
quietly shut the door
and wept
GREAT wrenching sobs.
I sat on the toilet
rocking back and forth, my arms wrapped
tightly
around myself
& my heels pounding out
the slow steady rhythm of sorrow
on the cool tile floor.

I cried as silently as I could
I didn't want anyone to hear
I wanted my tears to be
selfish&hot
for me and you
alone.

As I wept I looked into the mirror and remembered a time
when you and I were
"deshabille"
in my bathroom
drunk off our asses.
I leaned on that sink
peering into that same splotchy mirror
and all I could see
(through my tunnel vision)
was you, bending close
whispering something that started with
"Honey--"
as David turned down the covers in the next room.

And still I perched there
on my toilet
the memories & the words & the cries
blocking up my throat
I couldn't speak if I wanted to
And I wanted to
tell you something
Julie
I want to tell you something
That was exploding in my throat that night
That was let loose by the broken machinery
That pinged around my chest

Your stars are my stars, Julie
Your stars are my stars

(That night our stars severed my throat from the
inside filled with blood I kept swallowing stuffing
it back down & wondering if I could ever write
this poem for you)

Julie, I want you to know that
I remember you
I remember how your jeans rode low on your hips
I remember the color of your eyes,
     a beautiful verdigris
I remember how when you would throw your head back to laugh
     one eye would close a little faster than the other.

I remember you because
Your stars are my stars, sister
Your stars are my stars

And on that day I left you in
"Des Plaines"
You showed me pictures of you
when you were a girl
and I knew
(I knew I knew I KNEW)
before you even told me
that you had just been scolded before the camera
clicked.
I saw the frame around the shot
I saw what had happened moments before
in your large, dark eyes
your small line of a girl-mouth
I saw and I KNEW
because
I used to see that same expression
in my own eyes
when I stared into the vanity mirror,
fascinated
by my own little-girl-who-looks-like-a-boy face.

(Oh, what sights did our eyes see when we were small,
Julie, what was reflected there, what sorrows and abuses
unspoken that we recognized in each other, our broken
clockwork inside click click clicking to life when we
first met and learned to tell time instead by the stars
inside the stars inside)

My sister under the skin
same name
same photo frame
My stars are your stars
My stars are your stars

And I want you to know
that the stars have gone out of my throat, now
& all I can say is
what you used to say
when you would
let go
a really fine burp:

"Hey girl,
you'd think I was sittin' here
by myself."

Hey girl,
you'd think I was sittin' here
by myself.

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