flaming jewels

Night Ride

The fair--
The midway at night.

(so lonely in the crowd I am always lonely when I'm with so many other people even when I have someone's hand to squeeze still so very lonely)

An aching loneliness amidst a swelling crush.

My heart lurches and my insides are all twisted up. My eyes are moist as if I might cry my mouth is dry filled with emptiness no words to describe. Pink and yellow and green lights flash and loud dance music beckons us to the rides. The rides.

The fair--
The midway at night.

(Am I the only one to ever feel this way? So lonely. So surrounded.)

We hold hands tightly I watch all the people surging around me I watch the flashing lights I watch the sun set and the Ferris wheel turning in the sky turning against a backdrop of blue velvet and pink clouds it is so beautiful and me so bare so stark I want to cry in the crowd I don't think anyone would notice. I want to let all these people wash over me let the tears wash over me lose myself amidst all these wonderful souls touching me but with no possibility of connection.

Only an ache no connection to the beauty. To the souls.

(Am I the only one to feel this way? Aching to be. Surrounded by plenty but empty. Inside. Alone.)

We buy tickets to ride the double Ferris wheel.

With all the light gone from the dark blue sky only a half-moon, a dime falling from the sky the Ferris wheel is much faster than we thought and He smiles, mutters obscenities, curses:

ohjesusjesusohgodohchristgoddamnohnono!

because He does not like rides but it is only a small fear so He can grin open-mouthed, cussing. And me next to Him, I stomp my feet and bray with laughter at the surprise of it at the unexpectedness of feeling it and we're swearing we're laughing and terribly alone I am

(When I am most in happiness most sad most sorrowful am I)

I feel that the Ferris wheel is going to toss me up to the half-moon and I wonder if I'll still be this sad when I get there.

(Laughing and swearing a loud kind of silence in my head a sharp kind of hysteria and sorrow I feel I've been sliding down a blade all night in this carnival)

When we stopped at the top the car rocked and He leaned over to kiss me hard and I felt all the sadness welling up in my mouth all dry and empty kissing back the loneliness but I don't think He knew His eyes were shut but I kept mine wide open something to fill up my eyes while my mouth emptied my eyes taking in the lights the half-moon the stark beautiful jumble of souls below--

So far below

Away

Alone.

jewel@gleeful.com
a seraph production