auto/destruct//i am the hunger artist

hunger is the thing, you see.

i wonder if i am lying
i can't tell if i am lying
about my hunger.

it's been the last few months, again
(just like last winter)
that i'm finding it hard to
eat

my lover said to me last night
     i can see your ribs

and i lifted up my shirt and looked
but all i saw was
the play of light and shadow across my side
signifying nothing

i told my lover
     i just see a pot-belly

and he brought my fingers to my side
so i could feel what i couldn't see
     you can feel your ribs can't you?
he asked
and i think i did
but i'm not sure

i can't tell if i am lying
about my hunger.

my lover followed me to the bathroom one night
and stood outside the door
     are you all right?
he asked

i laughed and said
     what did you think i was going to make myself throw up?

and he didn't say anything
and i was laughing but
i don't know if i can honestly say
the thought had not
crossed my mind

i could tell he was still standing outside so i said
     i'm all right
and put my hand to the door
but i couldn't tell
if i was reaching through
or holding shut

i can't tell if i am lying
about my hunger.

i remember when it happened last winter
how i lost track of my body
couldn't read the signs of hunger anymore
couldn't eat anymore

and finally one night my lover started to cry over dinner
over my full plate
he said
     i give up i can't take it anymore i can't make you do
     anything you don't want to do i can't make you eat

and i started to cry too
i begged
     please oh please don't give up on me please
     look i'll go to the doctor if you want
     i'll eat if you want look please look
     i'll eat
     see?
and i tried to stuff something down
but my stomach closed up
like a tight angry fist
and i choked
on my good intentions

i went to the doctor
who found nothing
wrong.

i can't tell if i am lying
about my hunger.

i've lost track of myself
of my body
i think i am hungry
but i don't know anymore

i sit down in front of full steaming plates loaded with
hearty pasta swimming in sauce
buttery vegetables and
homemade bread
but i lift the food to my lips and
my throat collapses
     i feel full
i say

all i can manage is hard candy
stuck in the side of my mouth
like a plug of tobacco

it's all i can manage

i get angry and i wonder
if it is rage
that pinches my lips shut
and squeezes my stomach like a hand

i get so angry
that nothing can pass my lips
nothing in or out:
no food
no words

i get so angry
because i am smarter than this
because i thought i was stronger than this
because i know i am more beautiful than this
but here i am:
weak and weaker
thin and thinner
helpless and unable to feed myself
like a baby

i've lost track of my body
and i wonder
if i am lying
about my hunger.




***

i am the hunger artist
i am the hunger artist
i am the hunger artist

i will show you how to
express your rage

you must grow thin
you must grow thin enough
to slip through the bars
of the cage they have built for you

you must become a skeleton

you must pare it down to
bare essentials

simplify simplify simplify

pare yourself down
to a white hot core
of heat and rage

your rage is so strong
you will burn off all the fat
you will grow thin
and thinner

i will grow thin and thinner

i will be so slender and light
i will walk on water

like an elf or a sprite or an angel
i'll be so light
i can fly

i'll be so thin and airy
i'll turn into butterfly wings or gossamer
i'll float
right out of this place

i will be so beautiful

(i am the hunger artist)

i will make myself small and smaller
like a child
tiny enough to elude your grasp

you will not catch me,
quick and light

i will scamper away

i will make myself small and smaller
like a child

i will pare away my body
no more breasts
no more hips
no more sex that you can
turn against me

(simplify simplify simplify)

you will not be able to turn sex against me

small and smaller
light and lighter
i will grow so thin and spare
i will slip out of your grasp
when you reach for me
with your thick blunt fingers

you will not touch me anymore

i will grow so thin
i will slip through the bars
of the cage you have put me in

i am the hunger artist
and i have grown
weary
of this world


weary of this world
weary of this world


(become
so light
and spare
and small
you will
ascend
to heaven)

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