I have to learn when to stand my ground and when to fall back. I have to learn how to see through the lies.

He was supposed to love me, but he didn't. He was jealous of me instead.

You think sometimes that someone loves you. You think they will respect you, maybe even protect you...especially if they are strong and you are...not.

               (you are small and defenseless)

But they won't.

Don't be deceived.

It was supposed to be okay.

               (it was not)

He was supposed to love me.

               (he did not)

It hurt. He hurt.

I was deceived. And...was it because I wasn't strong?

               (am I small and defenseless?)

When he started to hurt me, I wondered. I wasn't sure. Was it supposed to be this way?

               (no)

And, when it REALLY started to hurt, I asked him to stop.

"Stop."

               (stop)

But he did not.

I considered. No, this must be wrong. This hurts. He doesn't mean to hurt me.

               (does he?)

So, I said no.

"No."

               (no)

But he did not stop.

Panic and pain increased exponentially. What was I doing wrong? Wasn't I being clear?

No, I said again.

"No."

               (en-oh means no)

Stop, I said again.

"Stop."

               (es-tee-oh-pee means stop)

He did not and I was deceived.

STOP YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I cried.

               (cry, small and defenseless)

He stretched his lips

               (was it a smile?)

to reveal saliva-slicked teeth and his fist clenched.

And, oh, it was WRONG. I knew it then.

Bruises blossomed on my skin like morbid flowers and the blood pooled between us.

               (en-oh means no)

And then I knew he didn't love me even though he should and I knew he wouldn't stop even though I had said no...

               (no)

Fall back! retreat! evade! defend!

Whining with fear and hate (hating him, hating myself more for hating him) I clenched my OWN fist...

fall back!

               (no)

We gave each other bouquets of bruises. The flowering of pain and shame...

Why was this happening to me? Hadn't I said no? Hadn't I said stop?

Fall back! retreat! evade! defend!

Hadn't I been clear?

               (no?)

panic and fear and loathing and shame

               (no?)

I was deceived! This was NOT my FAULT!

This. was. not. my. fault.

               (was it?)

I fought him long and hard.

copyright 1995 by jewel (Julieann M. Brown-Micko)

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