flaming jewels

i got my brand on you

i'm afraid of a lot of things: spiders, storms, impulsively leaping off of high ledges. but one of my main fears deals with men who are bigger than me.

it has to do with the physical as well as the psychological. it has to do with size and mass. violence. anger. *potential.*

i just never know when someone who's bigger is going to try and beat the hell out of me.

and yes, i've thought about it and it's my own psychosis. my own weakness. a failing in my own moral fiber. i am afraid of the potential physical violence inherent in men larger than myself. i don't feel this way about women who are bigger than me...it has to do with something else. something to do with social boundaries or permissions, powers or strengths. something i lack. something someone else has in abundance. something that operates in me on a subliminal level, making the hair on my neck prickle up and my stomach squinch tight.

i worry sometimes, that just as i subtly sense the potential to get beaten, a man could instinctively sense my fear.

and it's my own mental mind wank, too. they say physical strength and mass don't matter. they say it's all in your head. they say *you* control your own destiny and only *you* can give other people the power to hurt you. well, all this is true. and still i have to say: i have this fear. this weakness. this failing.

i suppose it's not all bad. some sort of survival instinct or something.

it's not that i hate or distrust men. it's a certain strange fear that washes over me in particular circumstances. specific times and places. who knows why? all i can say is, in my search to know myself, i have identified this terror that is probably uniquely mine.

i might be walking in a crowd, and a large man nearby will stumble. drunk or clumsy or what have you. i reflexively flinch. will he take it out on me? is he in control? i might be in a bar and a man who outweighs me by 50 pounds blandly loud-talks the patrons. i wince and try to melt back. was i laughing too much? have i attracted his attention in some way? maybe it's in the grocery store, or the post office. it could be *anywhere*, any number of places, in any variety of situations, where a man who out-masses me makes a sudden move. somehow exhibits a potential for violence or anger. i avoid eye contact. i am afraid.

as you can imagine, this makes me reluctant to argue with anyone larger than myself. i avoid verbal confrontation because it might escalate into physical violence. my big mouth might get me in trouble. better to fade. capitulate. placate. ignore.

of course, identifying one's fears is half the battle. trying to confront this and other weaknesses of mine is something i work on with painful slowness, perhaps taking two steps forward and one step back. always keeping my head up, but unable to stop flinching in anticipation of the blow to my neck.

i realize that i could be judged harshly for this. accused of hating men, or being weak and irrational. but i *don't* hate anyone for their gender, or size. i am only afraid. and imperfect. often times i fail, but i try to confront my fears. acknowledge them. work with them. attempt to change and adapt.

if i am judged harshly, i can only submit that no one else has walked in my particular brand of boots. if i am judged, i can only say that i endeavor to be honest, no matter how unattractive the truth might seem. i can only ask for your patience as i struggle.

sometimes i challenge myself to hang with the big boys.

but sometimes 5'6" seems *awfully* small.

jewel@gleeful.com
a seraph production